40 lessons from 40 years.
I’ve written for thousands of hours over the past decade or so—mostly just for me: reflecting, processing, mulling, imagining—and it’s made me wonder if writers are mostly writing for themselves, because it mirrors the truth back and helps things sink in in ways nothing else does.
As I’ve been preparing to enter this new decade, I’ve been reflecting and writing down some of the things I’ve learned by observing others or just by existing in this world. I remember reading Maria Shriver’s book Ten Things I Wish I’d Known (which was essentially a recap of a commencement speech she had given) in my early 20s, and I wondered what it must feel like to know so much—to have so much wisdom about life. As I am now close to, if not at, the age she was when she wrote that, I’m realizing that “knowing,” and trusting does come in the areas we’re open to learning.
But just because we know something in our bones and believe it, doesn’t mean we always execute on it. I bet even Maria misses the mark on some of the things she wrote in that book—but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t write or share. I went back to the book again recently and learned even more. Because the saying is true: when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
My sister recently pointed out that I often use the filler line, “I don’t know,” which annoys me when I say it. I’m working on saying that—and all the other filler words and phrases I use—less. Until recently, I’ve deferred a lot of “knowing” to others, not trusting myself to know things. But this has been slowly changing over the past year or so, and it feels so good to trust myself and what I do know.
I thought I’d share some of my reflections here, in case anything resonates with you too. I’ve been writing these out mostly for myself so I don’t forget. The “you” in my writing is for the general you, including me, because I’m still learning most of these.
(I can’t figure out how to get rid of this number one, how to center this post on this new blog design, or how to make the photo smaller. But I’m working on being less perfectionistic and particular about some things. Which can be hard for me as a bit of a recovering perfectionist. See item 38. ;))
We try to, pretend to, and sometimes even fight to, but we never really know what’s next.
‘Isn’t it funny how day by day it seems as if nothing changes but then you look back and everything is different? (C.S. Lewis)
Age doesn’t equal wisdom. Some of the wisest among us aren’t grownups.
Letters are such a wonderful form of communication. Write more of them, even if it’s just a simple catch up. And even if your handwriting isn’t great. (Papa Ron and my friend Esther Swaty… but the handwriting part only applies to my Papa Ron :)
Those monsters under your bed can easily become familiar enemies, and you get comfortable with them being there. But they also can get scarier and more enlarged in your imagination the longer you leave them there. It’s like the darkness gives them more power. Turn on the lights. Look them in the eye. And they shrink. The monster becomes a furry friend you can even be friends with.
‘You must create an environment in which competent people can and will succeed.’ (Poppa)
Money doesn’t buy taste or connection or joy. But it can be a powerful tool when approached with wellness. I’ve been around folks with a lot of it and very little — and there are satisfied and dissatisfied people in both camps. Love who you’re with and what you have.
Always wear sunscreen — and have it everywhere — in the car, by the door, in the bathroom — so it’s easy to reapply or apply if you forgot. And always do all of your skincare steps, morning and night. Even if you’re exhausted. (My friend and esthetician Becky Bergstrom)
You can get a lot done with ease. Often more than when you’re in a hurry.
Silence is okay. Tonic, even.
You can run a business and be a creative while remaining balanced, grounded, and connected to your wellbeing and the people you love. (Ralph Lauren, Sarah Abare, Allison Lind, Charlotte Moss, Ted Kennedy, are a few that come to mind)
When life gives you lemons, make art.
‘They’ aren’t always right. (You can fill in the blank on who the ‘theys’ are of your life and world - strangers, the media, social media, a parent, a lover, a teacher; a leader, a friend.) Get your gut right and then listen to that - it often knows.
Finishing isn’t always the best thing.
There are few easy or fast fixes for most things. It’s mostly just micro movements in the right direction that shifts things.
You will mess up, grow up, and glow up in ways you didn’t know were possible. The key is to just keep getting up and moving. Because ‘As you walk on the way, the way appears.’ (Rumi)
‘You must be flexible and adaptable in every situation.’ (Granny)
Some beliefs take years to unlearn. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth continuing to work to “unbelieve” them.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Just start. Your people will find you, and your guests / clients / customers will let you know what they need and want. (My friend Alysa Demetre)
You’ll regret a lot of things. But you’ll never regret anything you’ve ever done in love.
Anything that looks like it magically appeared, didn’t. There is a lot of grit, resilience, and vision to see anything beautiful or valuable or magical come to life.
Life is a game of hot and cold. Keep playing.
‘Either it goes well or it passes.’ (heylucas)
Do well so you can do good. (My friend and former boss’Tim Rich’s mom)
Don’t ever ever ever do anything, or keep anything going, for anyone or anything if you know in your gut it’s not right. It won’t be good in the long run for you, or the people or idea you’re doing it for.
‘With every job that must be done there is an element of fun.’ (Mary Poppins)
With some good wardrobe planning and strategy, you only need one or two new quality pieces each season, which often can be found used, and still feel and look good. Save the planet, your time, and energy for other things.
Most things are most enjoyed, when they’re shared. Especially good whiskey. (My brother-in-law Alex Merrill)
Comparison really is the thief of joy. (Theodore Roosevelt.) And don’t ever forget that everyone you meet is going through their own battle. (Socrates) Even if, maybe especially if, it looks like everything is perfect from the outside.
There is never a good reason for shame. And it never does anyone any good. Even regret doesn’t do much good. But learning, growth, apologies, forgiveness, doing things differently next time? Worth your energy.
‘There are years that ask questions and years that answer.’ (Zora Neale Hurston)
Stuck or sad? Move. Dance. Walk. Run. Take a cold dip. Take a hot shower. Call a friend. Meditate. Get off your phone.
People with bully-approaches to life only have power if we give it to them. And their words only have weight if there’s a sliver in what they’re saying we believe to be true. Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she said that no one can make us feel inferior without our consent.
Don’t waste your pain. (Jesse Bryan)
In everything give thanks.
The thing that lies at the center of the vin diagram of the thing that scares you to death and the thing you keep thinking about and even have some excitement about (or at least some energy around), is likely the thing you need to do.
Giving 80% to some things is perfectly fine. It’s better than perfect in fact, because the pursuit of perfection is exhausting, a moving target, and rarely attainable. (My sister Allie Merrill, and life, and my body’s exhaustion from having a sense of what “perfect” looks like and spending a lot of energy and time pursuing it over the years.)
You aren’t what you do, make, drive, have, wear, or look like. You’re who you are in the quiet. You are how you love and listen, and how you respond to the world when it hands you some cards you didn’t dream of or ask for . You’ are how you treat people who can do nothing for you. You’ are how you show up to a task, a situation, or a person even when you don’t want to. There are more things I’m sure I’ll add to this list.
Life is long, and also short. Have fun.
The photo below is from my 40th birthday party yesterday, which was perfection in oh so many ways. My friend suggested I slide down the banister at the Fairmont, I loved the idea, and so I did. If only I could be like Mary Poppins and slide up it. :)
I’m honored and excited to be entering a new decade. Cheers to life. May we live it, and learn from it, well. 🥂
